Last year I was fortunate enough to be able to embark on a three month vacation around various states of the US. My 9 year old son, my enormous dog, and I all piled in to the car and had a real adventure! However, when we returned home, the energy in the place we called home just felt dead. I looked around and noticed my network and social group had somehow run dry while we were gone. There was some urgency to rent a home, and I was unable to find a place to live. Application after application was rejected, even though I had a perfect rental history and was paying for the year up front. It was baffling. Everywhere I turned it simply felt out of sync. This went on for weeks and became clear to me that I was being asked by a force greater than myself to relocate.

My son’s father and I had never really had conflict with regard to our son. In truth, I took on all the costs and responsibilities for day to day life and had him 80% of the time. And I went along with his father showing up whenever it suited him, so that made any potential for friction nonexistent. And thankfully, he did choose to show up for our son consistently. We never had any court orders, and there was no exchange of child support. The child support was never put in place as I did not want money, or the lack thereof, to be the reason he did not have a relationship with his son. And I wanted the autonomy to make decisions without any influence. Fortunately, this worked for both of us.

As I continued to put rental applications in, and get denied, the beginning of the school year was upon us. But I couldn’t enroll him any place because I didn’t know where we were going to live. We were staying in a hotel and still there were no opportunities available. Every door continued to remain closed. I had options elsewhere, just not in the place we used to live. As time continued on, it became clear to me that I was being redirected to investigate moving to another state. It was time to act and in my haste to move quickly, so I could get everything set up before the first day of school, I called his father and dropped the bomb that I was moving two states away and our son was coming with me. I explained that we’d easily be able to manage his visitation schedule as the new school schedule was super conducive and we could split the cost of plane tickets and it wouldn’t be much different than our current arrangement. As you can imagine, this did not go over well. There was a clear knowing on my part that the move was necessary, for work opportunities as well as opportunities for me personally; and the school system was also higher ranked, all of which would contribute to positive opportunities for both myself and my son. I was so certain it was aligned that it was what I was doing, period. In hindsight, I can see that my son’s father felt that there wasn’t even the possibility for discussion available with me. The definitive force with which I presented it, created fear on his part and resulted in an absolute impasse.

He immediately hired an attorney and began preparing for litigation while I was in the midst of moving. I sincerely thought we could talk and work it all out. After all, I had shouldered all of the responsibility for our child for nearly a decade for exactly this kind of freedom. I too had to find a lawyer.

It only took a week for me to secure legal counsel, find a beautiful home in a superb neighborhood, locate an incredible school, and all of this close to my work opportunity as well. My attorney assured me it was ok for me to go. I scheduled movers and headed out to our new destination. My son was able to begin at a sought-after school immediately; he was really enjoying the new school and his new friends. Everything fell in to place seamlessly and felt completely aligned.

My attorney notified me of the legal filings once they became available, and that our first court hearing would be about a month later. I had to fly back to show up in person. At this hearing, to my surprise, temporary orders were put in place for our son to be remanded back to the state we had just moved from. The judge was clear with me that I did not have to move there, but our son did. I remember walking out of the courtroom in shock and feeling devastated at the thought of what our life would look like if we had to go back to the state we’d just left due to lack of opportunity, and with much more limited resources after the move and the attorney fees.

Only about a month had passed and, in addition to the moving and rental expenses, I’d already paid tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees. I quickly became aware that I was working my way into a financial crisis. And it was clear to me that the court itself had no care in the situation. We had never put our agreement, that I would pay for all and retain sole decision-making rights, in writing. So they were trying to fit us in to what they considered to be a standard way of living, that didn’t work for us. It felt to me in every interaction with the court that space was fueled by the energy of fear and lack with a complete disregard for understanding the individual circumstances of the family unit. And to compound matters, my son’s father made it clear that he was unwilling to cooperate in any way, refusing to even verbally participate in the mediation that was required, so there was no way a positive end result could be achieved for anyone involved. I wanted no part of this process.

I spent quite a bit of time with myself after that hearing, trying to source a solution; and try as I might, there was only one clear solution I could see. It was for our son to live with his father and visit me. To say it was the most challenging decision I’ve ever arrived at, is an understatement. I had been the primary caregiver of our son since he was born, and due to the limited time he had spent with his father over the years, our son did not have the same close relationship with his father that he had with me. In spite of this, I was aware that it was his father’s intention to fight until we all had nothing left, literally, and I was not willing for that to be the outcome.

Despite being in the midst of a court battle, and against my attorney's advice, I called his father and began the first of the conversations to rebuild the bridge of trust that I had so carelessly, though not purposely, demolished. I spent time laying it all out and explaining what our options were. I could abandon this new venture and return, broke, feeling defeated and resentful, with him paying a hefty monthly bill for child support (the court was going to order that), and I would likely want to take it out on him by moving as far away as I legally could. What a WIN that would be for everyone. Or we could come together and do what we’d always done in the past, working together through whatever was available.

It was a time to be thoughtful. After all, he was asking for more responsibility for his son, who am I to deny that? After many weeks of extremely difficult conversations, we arrived at a very tense agreement. We would not continue the court engagement, our son would live with him on a trial basis for the next school year, and I would stay where I had moved to. We would continue not to pay each other child support, and he would help with half the cost of the airfare to get our son out to see me 1-2 times a month, depending upon his school schedule. This new arrangement was stressful and uncomfortable for each and every one of us, and it has ended up being one of the most profound spaces of growth we all could have shared together.

In that moment that I called him and showed up vulnerably, sharing what I cared about, and what I saw as available to us (even the “ugly” parts), I could feel his desire shifting to show up and assist. And I’ve come to understand the importance for him of becoming more involved in his son’s life at this age. I’ve watched our son go from anxious, nervous and not wanting to live with his dad, to having a relationship directly with his father, which could never have happened the way it was set up before. I’ve watched his father having to step in and show up in ways he could not have imagined and had never made the space for before. I saw myself finding freedom in my own life with the ability to show up for each of them in ways that had never been possible before because I had my own agenda. By bypassing my normal mode of controlling the outcome, I was able to yield to being with what was and allowing for something new to be born for each of us.

Ultimately, I’ve experienced just how much growth and harmony can be had in creating an equitable, flexible circumstance for us all to live in to. Even though it was terrifying and almost unthinkable to me, initially. This was an act of true sharing from my heart, and I can tell you that it also felt like an act of insanity from the view of my mind! When we can access our heart, the sharing that comes from this space leads to true equality because it is based on equality. Our hearts carry this equalizing force - and it illuminates divisions between others by treating everyone with consideration. It was only through first being able to be in my heart and love myself that I was ultimately able to source my love for the others involved and place no one’s needs above another’s. There was support available for everyone else because there was first support for me. And out of that divinely ordained circumstance came the answer to how we could all find fulfillment in this circumstance, for now. For me to show up this way, I had to completely trust in the wisdom of my heart.

Grimes, Angie. “From the Void To Creation” Expert Profile Magazine, Summer 2025 Edition:83-84. Print.